This saying ‘Choose Joy’ was one of those phrases that was said on almost a daily basis on the race. And to be honest I got to the point where if someone said it I would just give them a straight face. I really got tired of hearing it because something about it just did not sit well with me but I never could figure out why. Well that was until now…
It all starts with this past Friday night when I found out some very sad news from a friend that literally made my heart break. I found out right before I was getting ready to go to a friend’s birthday party, so naturally I told myself to set it aside and that I would deal with it later. And I did just that, I pushed it to the back of my mind and every once in awhile during the night I would feel it coming up and I would tell myself, ‘nope not right now.’ Well then Saturday morning arrives and I can feel myself in a fog and heart felt as if it was crumbling. So I went on a walk, which then lead to an anger filled work out because I just did not understand way my friend was going through what they were going through. I just started to let the Lord know how I was feeling and how my heart was breaking. Of course, He came back with a challenge to me in letting my housemates know how I was feeling and that I should not hide what was running through my mind. I went to them to ask a question about something and they knew something was up and asked me…of course there was a perfect opportunity to let them know what was going on because that is what God does. So I set my pride aside and told them what was going on and how I was feeling about it. They then spoke truth into me and also gave me some words and verse to give to my friend, along with praying over me and my friend. After this I was like okay I am doing good! Everything is going to be okay. WRONG!!!
Later that evening right when people are starting to arrive at our house for a birthday party for a housemate and another fellow CGAer, I had hit the limit of holding it all together. I was talking to a teammate and dear friend from the race and was telling her how my heart felt like it was breaking and how I was feeling stupid for grieving because I felt like I did not really have a reason and so on. But while I was verbally processing with her it clicked, that all that I had been doing was allowing a foothold for the enemy to come in and whisper sweet little lies into my mind. I had a right to feel what I was feeling. I had a reason to be grieving. It was okay to be balling my eyes out. It was clear that the Lord had given me a gift that I have so often looked over. He has given me such a gift in empathy and truly feeling what others are feeling. And then on top of that when I finally let go, and yes I even played Let It Go from Frozen to help me break down. The Lord allowed me to reach a new level of intimacy with Him that was truly one of the most beautiful and powerful things I have ever felt. He allowed me to feel how His heart was feeling in for my friend and the situation. He allowed me to feel how much He loved this person and how much they meant to Him, along with how much His heart was hurting and breaking in this moment.
This moment was seriously so incredible but then Monday came and I felt the need to suck it up and act like I was totally fine. WRONG AGAIN!!! And I have figured out in my Identity class something that I have struggled with for so long. I thought I had gotten over it on the race but since being home I see how I have fallen back into without even noticing it. What I noticed I do ever so often is try to ignore or hide the emotions of sadness and anger because deep down I felt like it was wrong to feel those things and I had been taught that. By doing this it allows shame and guilt to come in which is along the enemy to sneak in and plant those lies. What really hit me is when Andi made the statement, “God is emotional and shows it just look at the Old Testament.” Along with “to diminish what we are feeling diminishes who we are and how to feel joy and such.” It seriously was like a light bulb when we were talking about this.
This is why the saying ‘Choose Joy’ did not set well with me. Because we need to feel all of our emotions and sometimes that means I am not going to be my happy go-lucky kind of self. This does not mean that I am sitting around in sadness or acting out in my anger but it means that I sometimes am sad and hurting or I am upset and frustrated with something. I see how I have allowed myself to fall in the way of how our society works and sometimes how the church may function; do not show your emotions and act like everything is great. I do not want to live like that. Instead of Choosing Joy, I am choosing to be real and walk freely in whatever I am feeling and be open with everyone around me in showing what I am feeling. I am tired of hiding and acting like everything is okay. I am a mess and I am proud to be. Sometimes I am a happy go-lucky mess and other times I may be a sad mess but either way I am a mess and would not want it any other way. The Lord does not want perfection, He wants me and you just how we are…and that is messy.
