Buried Alive

Worthless. Ugly. Disgusting. Odd. Alien. Weak. Weird. Alone. These are just a few of the lies that from the early age of 12, I started to buy into and claim as parts of who I am. I started to question why am I here? I have no purpose and am I a waste of space? All of this swirling around inside of me while I tried to hide and hold it together.

Years later I find the true me buried and locked away in walls upon walls of lies and brokenness. I had become so skilled at building walls that I no longer knew who I truly was or how to even get back to the fun, free-spirited, loving, and wild at heart little girl I once was. I was lost inside of myself. I was wandering around in the dark searching but not knowing where I was or how to even find myself. Over the years I had created the habit of finding my worth and value in people on this earth, since I could not find it in myself. I looked to my parents and then on to friends and then performance with school and dance, and then to men. I thought that is how I could find my worth and they would help me unlock me from these masks. I found myself broken to the core and I felt like I had no one or anything. I found myself at a very familiar place of rock bottom in the dark buried alive within the towers built around me.

But then I saw a little light shining through the cracks. I realized over time that this little light was Abba looking down on me and surrounding me. Once I let go of everything and just turned my face towards His face, the walls started to shake and crumble. Soon they were falling down all around me and I was left with the decision to stay there in the dark in a ball or to have the courage to reach out and grab a hold of his hand. The second I grabbed a hold of his hand, I felt the warmth of his presence all around me, like a radiant bright light covering all of me. As soon as this happened, I felt love so pure that I knew we were about to embark on a journey to get me back to who he created me to be.

Now here I am reflecting on where I was to where I am now. All my race there was one word that was constantly spoken over me – BOLD. At first, I did not understand but know I realize and see how the Lord created me to be a bold and confident and fearless lady to who finds her worth and value in the one who created her; not this world or anything in it. I am beautiful, loved, unique, worth more than I could ever imagine, talented, strong, loving, kind, and so much more. Shame has no hold on me because there is no room in me for something that is from the enemy. I am free at last! There is no more hiding. I am standing bold and confident in who I am in the Lord and he is standing right beside me.

For my identity class, I had to give a presentation on something I have learned and it had to be in a creative way. I knew instantly what the Lord was wanting me to do but I was nervous and a little scared to do it. But the Lord reached down and lifted my chin to him and told me that he has given me the talent of dance and I should never hide what he has given me. So after six and half years of holding myself back because of lies, I danced boldly in front of the group and shed off the last bit of shame. And now I want to share it with you.