As I was debating within me to whether I wanted to post this blog I opened my Jesus Calling for the morning and I knew then I needed to post this for myself to allow the light to surround it and that it could speak to someone else. This is how the Jesus Calling went,
“I continually call you to closeness with Me. I know the depth and breadth of your need for Me. I can read the emptiness of your thoughts when they wander away from Me. I offer rest for your soul, as well as refreshment for your mind and body. As you increasingly find fulfillment in Me, other pleasures become less important. Knowing Me intimately is like having a private wellspring of Joy within you. This spring flows freely from My throne of grace, so your Joy is independent of circumstances. Waiting in My Presence keeps you connected to Me, aware of all that I offer you. If you feel any deficiency, you need to refocus your attention on Me. This is how you trust Me in the moments of your life.”
Earlier this week I hit my limit of holding back the tears. I could not suck them back in because there was no more room in me. They needed to flow and I needed to be okay with letting them pour out. When I finally allowed them to come rushing out in the presence of a friend, the Lord was able to show me a wound that I did not realize was still needing to be healed. I have noticed recently how sometimes I can come off hard or closed when really on the inside I am a big mush ball and my huge heart breaks towards everything.
The Lord has helped me realize that there is a part of me that does not want people to love me. WHAT?!? The deeper I went into this it started to come together…I do not want people to love me not because I do not love myself; it is because I know that I will fall madly in love with them and I do not want to have to go through the pain when they decide to walk away. This is the wound that I have not allowed healing to pour into. I have had a lot of people throughout my story that have walked away and left me standing there with my heart in shambles on the ground, but, I would put my heart back together and keep on loving. Then, of course, it would happens again.
There is something I have been learning about myself for a long time, which is: Even though I love HARD I am afraid that the person will one day decide to walk away. That hurt is something that I truly do not want to experience anymore. Sometimes this fear can happen with the Lord because for some crazy reason I think “What if he was to walk away too?” Even though I know in my head that he would never do that, my heart has a hard time ever once in awhile.
Over the past two years, this is something the Lord and I have been walking through. First, was actually paying attention to his pursuit of me. Second, acknowledging it and then truly pursuing him back. Then, falling madly head over heels in love with him. Now, we are dealing with me being scared that he may decide to leave. But I know he won’t! It’s as if all that I have been studying in graduate school about marriage and its difficulties are so relevant in our relationship now. I am learning how much God loves me and how he has shown me time and time again that he is here to stay. We are just walking down the path from the head to the heart on love.
